My first love was a man who loved music. When we were dating, he wrote 3 short songs that I still have copies of to this day. Not all of them are love songs, they were not written for me, but knowing him (or what little I know of him now), I’m probably the only person who knows the songs exist.
We were that kind of couple: We’d send YouTube links of songs to each other through Yahoo! Messenger. Listen to this. Have you heard of that? Ganda!
I kept some of the songs he sent tucked in a computer folder named ‘Usapang P’. Together with the 3 original songs, I have in that folder Hillsong’s Soon, John Waller’s While I’m Waiting, Skillet’s You Are My Hope, and Love Alone by Caedmon’s Call.
I’ve probably listened to all the songs a hundred times already, but today in particular, I had the strange, out-of-the-blue urge to listen to Love Alone again.
I don’t remember anymore why he wanted me to listen to the song, but it took me all these years to realize that the song reflects both the kind of relationship we had then, and the one we were hoping and praying for together.
Only, we stopped hoping and praying for it.
I’m bad with the small details, the little hints, and meanings that are implied through words and actions. Friends always say I’m slow with jokes, but thank goodness they still crack jokes anyway when I’m around.
I don’t know when it started, or if I have always been this way, but I really like it when people tell me things directly instead of beating around the bush. It took months before I moved on from my first love precisely because he decided to beat around the bush instead of simply saying he doesn’t like me anymore. How hard is it to say you don’t feel the same way anymore, anyway?
But he was a complicated fellow, that man, and I always loved that about him ’til the very end.
There’s one song I associate with him the most: Falling Slowly. Unlike the other songs, I did not keep a copy of this one, because I avoided it at all cost after we parted ways.
Maybe the song meant something to him and he wanted me to find out, but I’ve always been the girl who takes life too literally. For me, Falling Slowly is just a song he really, really liked, and wanted to share with me.
I don’t want to read more into it, because I’m afraid to know what I could’ve missed out on.