Finding my joy

Here’s a confession from someone who claims to be in a “vibrant, passionate, loving relationship with Jesus Christ” (read: me).

I don’t know how but I went on for months not opening my Bible nor praying. On a daily basis, I blame it on my schedule – on how my days are so unpredictable I end up waking late during mornings (with hardly any time to even eat my breakfast) and sleeping late at night to finish work.

But the ugly truth is this (and I’ve never wrote this down so seriously, but here goes): I’m addicted to Asian dramas. I come home everyday, change into comfier clothes, and watch the night away. I watch until I’m sleepy (even when I’m sleepy). I watch until I’m tired (even when I’m tired).

I have become a slave to it, and intensely so this year, when I’m supposedly cutting down on my daily drama intake. Everyday, I raise my hands in surrender, always saying “Yes, I can’t live without you. Yes, work is hard, life is hard, but I always have you to look forward to at the end of the day.”

It has become my idol, my god. It has become my joy – the lesser kind of joy, but I settled anyway. Sure, I’ve set a high standard for the next man I will love, but apparently not with the god I will serve.

Last Sunday, my heart was heavy for some reason. I knew why, and I mustered all the courage to admit it to God. I don’t remember how exactly I said it, or how long the prayer was, but the desire of my heart was this: “I want only You, Lord.”

And boy did He answer my prayer.

By habit I attempted to watch multiple shows today: from movies, to old dramas and the currently airing ones. I tried and tried but eventually gave up, because I finally lost interest. In Filipino, we call it nagsawa. 

It’s possible for the Lord to do something radical like this in my life, so I doubt this is temporary. But just the same, I’ll fill you in next week, and the week after that, if this addiction is indeed over.

For years it scared me to say that prayer precisely because I did not want to let go of something I enjoyed so much. I knew what the Lord is capable of, so I tried to “control” it. It was a compromise that ended up becoming even more damaging in my work life, my personal life, and my spiritual life.

It just had to go.

Tonight I’m going to pick up my Bible again and pray. It’s going to be hard, doing what you haven’t done outside church for ages, but the Lord said press on. He is the only joy that satisfies, and my soul longs for just that.

Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.

Hosea 6:3

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