To be honest — and at 4 am on a Sunday — I really have nothing specific in mind to write about. My body clock has been screwed up to a whole new level of crazy lately. During days I could sleep in, I’d find myself awake really early, but on days I need to be up early (like today), I can’t/won’t sleep.
But since this space in the internet has also stagnated into a new level of crazy, I took it to myself to write, since I can’t/won’t sleep anyway.
A quick look at the stats show that since I started this blog in 2010, it was only during this year’s birthday month that I blogged the least — 2 entries, to be specific. I had a tough month of July, to be honest. But because this isn’t some teenage angst-y blog you’re reading, let’s pretend you did not read about my woes and carry on.
So, 2 entries for July 2013. What surprises me isn’t the number, actually, but that I’m actually ok with the idea that I have not been blogging lately.
Blogging used to be my lifeline: before I even get home from a great day out, I’d already have in my head a great title and, more or less, a flow of how I would go about writing the rest of the entry. When I’d forget my bulky DSLR at home, I’d whip out my trusted-but-low-quality phone camera just so I could document what’s happening and post something — anything — in what I call my online home.
Recently, I decided to stop the Smiles and Promises series because I felt like it has become a chore than an opportunity to show the world through my eyes (ugh, cliche). But with that halt came my general disinterest in documentation. I stopped blogging, writing in my journal, or even tweeting what’s on my mind. I just went on with the daily grind, and everyday the only reason I would write was because I’m being paid to.
What a way to live.
I saw this Tumblr picture on Carlo’s page weeks ago, and it just spoke to me so much that even if my Tumblr is basically the most abandoned social media account I have right now, I reblogged it:
I think this was all I ever thought of last month. I would wake up every morning afraid that I might be on my way to committing my next big mistake. Fear was master over me — intensely and aggressively. It must have been one of the lowest, if not the lowest, point of my life.
But I’m hanging on.
I feel like I need to document my life again, if not regularly through this blog, then somewhere else. Maybe on my journal. Maybe on paper. I don’t know. But I feel that I need this. Not as a “venting machine” (saw this term used by one of my former students–witty!), but maybe as a way to rediscover myself.
I feel lost, and — point blank — I’m not really at the best of my game right now. I’m tired, lonely, and I feel empty.
And that, I think, is one of the saddest realizations anyone can ever have.
Pray for me?
ONE: What is my purpose in life?
“My goal in life is to revive the passion of youth for Christ through media.” (Jee, circa 2006) (confirmed in a 2013 prophecy by Petra Church’s Pastor Moses)
TWO: Who is most important in my life?
My mom and dad. My brother.
THREE: What do those most important to me value?
Today, my mom values her work, my dad values his ministry, and my brother values his preparation for law school.
FOUR: How do I define success?
Success is an end in itself; it’s not a means to an end. I know it to be desirable, but I do not desire it (I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing). Lately I stumbled across one of the million secrets to success. It’s called the Seinfeld Strategy, adapted from “one of the most successful comedians of all-time”. This article explains how a simple commitment to doing something daily, and literally marking a calendar once you’ve done it for that day, can make all the difference in the world. The goal is simple: to not break the chain of marks.
I would bet on it that if I knew this strategy early on, my calendar would look funny. I don’t think I’d even last beyond three straight marks. I don’t know.
FIVE: What is my action plan?
To start working on habit-forming tasks like waking (and sleeping) early; eating right, and; writing, reading, and exercising daily. I also want be a woman worthy of the title ‘journalist’. Also, have a better disposition in life. In short, be happier.
My optimistic self — at least what little I have left — wants to believe God has yet to shower with joy this dry desert of a heart.