Hello Uncertainty!

I originally did not plan documenting this uneventful day, but just a few hours before my first day of unemployment ends,  it dawned on me that I should. All the months leading to this day were filled with endless worry and panicking, the result of which are half-hearted, last minute e-mail applications that still have no answers to this day.

I should tell you about today because unlike what I imagined months ago, today was not scary, not at all. I woke up–dare I say–fearless. I ate breakfast heartily, watched my shows as usual, cleaned my room, started and finished reading a book, and talked to people that mattered. That rundown of activities may seem as if it comprises an ordinary, boring day, and maybe to an extent, it is. But if you’ve been in my head for the past few months, you’d be celebrating today with me. In fact, if you just knew what I’ve been feeling, you’d understand why I’m making a big deal out of this Wednesday.

My last day at work was nothing fancy. After the graduation rites, my officemates and I all ate dinner together in the faculty room before heading home. No one bothered–or at least no one wanted to start–talking about the elephant in the room, that is, those who will be leaving. Though a couple of guys cried (yes, you read that right) the goodbyes were seemingly ordinary for a bunch of people who will not see each other anymore. The hugs and the “see yous” were of the quiet kind, and I walked out of my high school again, this time not with tears (unlike my high school graduation) but with a contented smile in my face. If you remember my first day at work, I was actually thrilled with such a mundane task as putting my time-in card in the machine; last night, I secretly wanted to take the card home with me.

I got a text message earlier that day from one of my favorite people in the world, Kai. I told her I’m officially unemployed as of the time of my reply, and she said this is both scary and freeing. I thought today would be scary too–my gut tells me I should be scared by now–but I’m convinced that this is more freeing than scary.

Some of the things I kept telling myself for the past months:
1. I don’t need to be certain, I just need to trust You.
2. Iisipin ko na lang, fresh grad ulit ako.
3. Bata pa ako, marami pa akong pwedeng gawin.
4. The possibilities are limitless. (Actually ngayon ko lang ‘to sinabi haha)
5. I’m mixing faith with hope for a better future.

I used to be scared of today because I thought I’d be alone, in a sea of fresh graduates that are not my batchmates; because I thought I was just fooling myself into thinking that I don’t need to find my next work as soon as possible; because I thought I’d be back to square one, figuring things out yet again.

But instead, I have never felt freer. Free, because I have experience to back me up this time around. Free, because the possibilities really are limitless. Free, because I have friends who are figuring things out together with me, a family who always always supports me, and a great God whose timeline is never too early nor too late. 

Make no mistake–I’m not optimistic. I’m not saying you’ll never see me discouraged or scared ever again. But as far as now is concerned, I’m good, I’m okay. In fact, I’m excited! Because what’s left of life if we have it all figured out? It’s this opportunity of endless discovery and wonder that makes every day a blessing to wake up to.

In short: takot? Ano yun?

Here’s to the end of a season, the great possibilities of a new one, and the adventures in between🙂

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PS: Wohoo! I can use the funemployment tag again!

PPS: I know I have a major backlog in my Smiles and Promises series. I promise to get back to it, along with a blog about the past year, when I get home on Sunday.

‘Til then, enjoy the holidays, and remember: Jesus loves you, and deeply so, that He died and overcame death so that you may also be raised with Him

2 thoughts on “Hello Uncertainty!

  1. It’s never too late to start again, over and over until you find what it is that makes you get up in the morning and what amazes you with joy and gratitude (oo galing yan kay Fr Arrupe hehe). Para kanino at para saan? The possibilities are limitless. I’m so happy and proud of you Jee! You’re not tied down by anything that makes it more difficult to start over. It’s scary and freeing, but look beyond the scared🙂 >:D<

    Always, always praying for you! And reminding you about the things we said we'd remind ourselves about🙂

  2. Pingback: After everything, thank you 2013 | A Stroke of Grace

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