And as if I haven’t written enough blog entries on waiting, here’s another one! A thought just occurred to me while walking to school the other day (most of my thoughts and reflections come to me when I commute).
Back in high school–and I think the same is still true nowadays–your level of closeness with a particular seatmate, classmate or friend can be measured by how much you know of his/her love life. You don’t have a crush? End of conversation.
It was unthinkable for me before that someone wouldn’t have a crush. Back then, I have always had a crush on someone, always. When an old crush fades, a new one begins. First year? Check. Second year? Check. Third year? Check check check! Fourth year? Check check check!
And this went on ’til college. On the one hand, it’s innocently fun since I can happy crush on a guy who barely knew I even exist, on the other, it was very silly finding the next “prospect” when the disappointment kicks in.
Also, it was tiring.
So I have come to the conclusion that in waiting, you don’t make a list of this will dos and that won’t works. If you’re really, absolutely committed to wait, you can’t compromise anything. Not even a crush, no matter how innocent it may seem.
Because when you nurse a crush, it grows and becomes this uncontrollable masse of energy. It keeps you awake on most nights, always waiting for the arrival of a much anticipated text message. It grabs your attention when you’re in class, waiting for your curse to come to life: Isang tingin lang, please. Lumingon ka lang at makukumpleto na araw ko.
In waiting, as in any passion, you charge forward with the determination that you will “not awaken love until it so desires.” Especially if you’re a woman created by God to be pursued, the first step is not yours to take. You wait and wait and wait, but the wait doesn’t get tiring because you’re not waiting on the love that has yet to come, but on the Giver from whose heart you will find the absolute love of your life.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against crushes, as I know I have a few of my own to count. Nursing a crush, however, is a different thing altogether. When you start looking at a person you have a crush on, and you entertain the idea of being together–the what ifs and maybes–then the point of waiting has been defeated.
I’m saying all these things because I am in a beautiful season of waiting and expectation. It has been so long since I last set my eyes on Jesus alone, and I’m enjoying every moment of it. Screw the romances in movies and books–they’re only as good as the next credits and fin. What I have is a romance with the Lover that cannot be exchanged for anything of this world.
This is actually a reminder to myself more than to anyone else.
Yes, I have a crush, but no, I won’t feed and nurse it until it grows and overtakes my life again, as I have done so in the past. On the contrary, I might have to feed it to the fire so that it could melt and disappear. After all, God has His timing, and no worldly crush, no matter how handsome, dreamy or perfect he may be, can compare to who He has in store for me.