In death, in life

To you, because apparently you still read my blogs.

Last Monday, a cousin from my mother’s side passed away. It was a shocker to everyone, because according to my nephew, when he was still in the hospital he was really fighting hard to live. The last time our entire clan had to deal with death was last 2009 when our grandma Apo died of old age.

When we arrived at the wake, I wasn’t surprised anymore to see all of my relatives smiling. They were happy for him, because his suffering has already ended. What’s more, he already accepted Christ as his personal Lord and Savior, so I’m sure he’s already wrapped in God’s arms of love by now.

When my grandma died two years ago, the wake lasted for about 3-4 days. My tito, the eldest among my mother’s siblings, only cried on the burial day. Why did he cry? I’m not sure. What I’m sure of, though, was that he loved her so much; seeing her for the last time must have crushed his heart at that moment of goodbye. But it didn’t crush his soul, because he knew what her death meant. It meant she’s on her way to finally meeting our Father.

It was a momentary heartbreak, but true to God’s words, the joy came in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

I can’t help but think that this experience of death resonates what a person who experienced heartbreak has to endure. The art of moving on, I think, lies at the very heart of acceptance. As to death, once you’ve accepted that things are over–that the person finally rests in peace–you go on with life and see it in a totally different perspective, with a strength that wasn’t there before. You appreciate the little things, thank God for the opportunities and live life. And you don’t regret. You never regret. Because, as to death, when you lose someone, you thank God for it. You thank Him because in whatever circumstance, He is good and He never changes. Just as the song goes: He gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your Name.

Of course nothing is ever done as easy as you say them. Just take me for example–she who has not done what she has been writing for months now. She who is all talk and no walk. My mentee asked me yesterday morning if I have really let go and let God. She told me she was disappointed to hear that after all these months, I really haven’t trusted God to the maximum. I only gave Him a little of me, and not all. ‘The heartbreak’s taking too long, don’t you think?‘ I told myself. The wake only lasts for 3-4 days, but I’ve been crying over spilled milk for more than a week. Even after the burial. Even after life continued. It was as if I was left behind.

And then a slap in the face. A big SMACK! It was scary, but at the same time, it opened my heart, my eyes, and my soul. Especially my soul. In Spirit I knew I was all over the place, torn and broken, only because I haven’t accepted yet. It’s no one’s fault but mine’s. I haven’t realized that this is all God’s doing. That He orchestrated everything for my good. Things may not seem working to my eyes, but to His I know everything’s going accordingly. He’s just waiting for a little girl right here to finally accept and live life.

I know this may just be one of those blogs that promises but never delivers, and you might already find me inconsistent and unreliable, but at least hear me out for the last time: It’s over. The dancing and joy has already come. As to death, after the experience, you are left with the desire to live life everyday as if it is your last. One day at a time. You will cry now and then, but don’t worry–it’s all part of this whole mystery. Cry a little, but laugh harder. Be sad for a while, but smile wider. Who knows what life has in store and what the future may bring? If you don’t know yet, then all you can do is faith it. Trust Him.

Dear reader, I know I’m inconsistent, but my God never changes. His love never fails, and it amazes me, and moves me to stand up again every time I fall. In Him there are no second chances, but NTH chances–countless chances to go back to Him when you sailed too far from the shore. Chances to catch up with Him when you stayed on the shore, in your little bubble called your comfort zone. Yesterday I was given a chance to do things in a better way. True, I can screw that chance once I let my emotions rule me over again, but I’m trusting that this time He’s in charge, not me.

After all, I am already a new creation.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

 

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