It’s because this is my blog and I want to tell this to myself whiIch is why I’m saying this, but I think I’ve been such a hypocrite lately. Have you read my blogs here and on Tumblr for the past month? I’ve been saying one thing and doing another, and it was yesterday that I got slapped in the face for not practicing what I preach.
I’ve been speaking of total surrender to God, but have I really? I’ve been wanting to pray for the longest time, but have I even made that conscious effort to fall on my knees and pray so that He may break me and use me for His glory?
In my heart, I was secretly hoping that things won’t change. Is there such a thing as compromise when it comes to obeying the Lord? Can I really bargain with God? “Lord, I’ll obey you, but can we do it this way? Other people can, so why can’t I?”
I’ve always loved the story of Hannah in the Bible simply because she’s a woman who knew that without God, bearing a child was impossible. She knew her limitations, but she also knew the greatness of her God. She’s broken, incapable, and weak, but her God is nothing short of perfection. Her God is great, and He is able to give her the desires of her heart if they are according to His will.
If they are according to His will.
I really should have asked God for His will in my life instead of bargaining for a compromise. I wasted so much tears and so much time sulking and being sad and emo, when I have a great God who can turn my mourning into joy in a snap of a finger. If I knew what my God is capable of, I could’ve been okay in an instant. Instead, I listened to lies, to the Enemy’s deception. Much like what Adam and Eve did in the beginning.
In short, I have not trusted God. And some of you may say, “Well, now you can start trusting Him again” but that’s really, really, really easier said than done. It takes a lot of surrendering, and ridding of myself, and forgetting what I want and what I desire in exchange for what He wants and what He desires for me. It’s only by living in and through Jesus that I can truly, truly, truly be okay.
From today on, this I pray, that I may completely, continually trust Jesus from here on to eternity. It is finished, did He not say? It is done, and the curtain was torn into two. Seek God’s Kingdom, shouldn’t I? Because from there, all things follow. Taking that one step will lead me to eventually fulfilling all the steps that He has planned for me. Trusting Jesus, one day at a time.
In Jesus, there is healing. He took these kinds of pain upon Himself, brought them with Him to the cross, and died with it. It is finished.
I really hope I stop being a hypocrite from this post onward. Here’s a public declaration that I, Jee Geronimo, already died to myself. No longer I, but Christ lives in me. Setting my heart and my mind on things above, and trusting that He holds my life in His palms, and He will never let me go.
And just like that, I feel Your love for me all over again. It hasn’t changed: it’s still overwhelming, awesome, and comforting. It still amazes me, completes me. You’re filling my cup to the overflow. Ah, my fingers won’t stop typing about You, but I digress; I’ll let my future writings be all about You, King Jesus.