“Anything less than ‘I love you’ is lying”

I’m on a John Mayer high. I downloaded all four of his albums and listened to them today on my way to work and back. I can relate to his songs maybe because I’m getting too emotional lately, and they are perfect to match the moodiness. I know I’ll be better sooner than I want to be–’til then, I’ll drown myself in Mayer’s songs and his angelic voice.

Every song I listened to was so personal, I felt like he wrote these songs for me to hear. I WISH? :))

Well, since I already started this one, why not go all the way? Today was a mix of sadness and happiness. I was happy because after a very long time, my bestfriend/favorite cousin/sister-I-never-had-no.-1 Ate Lysha and I had a good, long, heart-to-heart talk about feelings, bestfriends in movies/blogs (and how we want to be like them), and why we never talk as often as we do before anymore. Although it was only thru cyberspace, I really felt so happy. I think I’ve been pretty dry with bestfriend talk lately (or for the longest time, actually); I hope that conversation with Besh is a start.

I remember reading one entry from Carina Santos‘ blog about her and her bestfriend thinking they can not talk for a long time and still be cool about it/still be the best of friends. She had to learn it the hard way that no, it doesn’t go that way.

I agree with her absolutely.  For me, friendships that last are those that are worked on and earned. And here comes the sad part, an issue I’ve been dealing with since forever: I don’t know if it is my fault that no matter how I present myself as available to the people around me, no one seems interested to talk to me. I admit, I can get boring at times (most of the time), but is that enough reason not to talk to me? That just makes me sad and angry. If those are the reasons why friends wouldn’t want to catch up with my life, then hey–friends?

I didn’t know Ate Lysha and I were feeling the same things, and we were really surprised to be at the same wavelength. Praise God I got to talk to her today. I also vow to talk to her more often from now on. And to the other bestfriend too, Camille, who may be MIA-at-large but not in my heart (KESO).

I don’t know about the other people. Sometimes I just feel so left behind and out of place that no matter how fast I run to keep up with their pace, I keep on getting left behind. I try and try, but always to no avail. It gets a little tiring eventually. Depressing, too. Maybe that’s why I cried buckets last Sunday. It’s as if I’m always putting so much effort into everything, only to get nowhere. Running in circles, in other words. And it feels like I’m the only one trying. If not, please do prove me wrong. Really–prove me wrong.

God cares, however, and I felt that unchanging love again last Sunday (Of course He never stopped loving–it is us who shut ourselves from letting His love flow in). It’s a blessing to know that in times like these I can always run to Him for comfort and assurance–that no matter how often the world gives up on me or leaves me behind, I will always have Him. And to have Him is really, truly enough.

There. I poured out my heart. I don’t know why I did that here, since I tend to write the most vague words (with all the double-meanings and whatnot) in times that I am most sad and lonely. I guess the confidence comes from God. I can say these things because I have the assurance that there may be sadness, but surely there are still a lot of things to be happy about.

I leave you with this great Bible verse which speaks of one of my favorite heroes in the Holy Book:

And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. [James 2:23]


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