I’m clinging to the Cross, fixing my eyes on Jesus. There’s no other way to live, no other way to stay afloat amid life’s currents. There’s no middle ground either: I can only be for Jesus or against Him. I was the forgetful when it should be impossible to forget the One you love. I only loved Him by lip service, but not anymore. I only looked to Him in troubled times, but not anymore. He is the air I breathe, the only grace sufficient for me, and the only joy that satisfies. I will not let go. Not anymore.
God has done it again.
I anticipated Passion Manila 2014 since last year, and God did not – will never – disappoint. After retelling the parable of the prodigal son – exactly how Bobby Guev would explain it – God spoke again to me through Pastor Louie Giglio: Do not harden your heart, daughter. Come, enter into My joy.
For months I have lost sight of the only Joy that satisfies, and last night, He came running to meet me. It was absolutely amazing.
“I don’t want to live outside Your ways, I don’t want to miss Your heart for me – You’re the way!”
I’ve learned not to hold on too tight, to build bridges I can burn myself. Still, saying goodbye is never easy – not to a friend you still want to know better.
I wonder when I’d finally get used to farewells, or to the fleetingness of everything that comes with growing up. Did I spend my teenage years well? And today, are the nights out, the cups of coffee, and the long conversations punctuated with tears and laughter and silence still worth putting my heart into?
If they aren’t, well, it’s too late. I’ve started believing in people again, you see.
I love writing. I really do. But when it’s your day job like it is mine, sometimes you’d rather spend your down time and your days off doing something else.
Still, I love writing. A lot of people say that, I know, and I don’t claim to love it more than anyone else, especially when I have neglected the first thing that got me into writing: blogging.
So here’s an attempt to blog again. I miss that urge to recklessly talk about my day even if there is nothing momentous about it. Nay, I miss making my life seem magical.
It’s 4 am and I’m writing even if I have to be up later at 7, but I want to write this down anyway before I forget what a great night I had on Saturday, February 8.
Tonight, I was in my happy place again (Ateneo) with people I care about (Kai + Rapplers). That would’ve been enough to make me happy, but there’s something about an evening stroll in Ateneo, heartfelt laughter, hour-long conversations not punctuated by people checking their phones all the time, and a finished bottle of beer (finally!) that will make me remember every simple, ordinary thing that happened tonight.
I keep forgetting how valuable it is for me to really make time for people — to sit down with them and talk about life even when life is not always worth talking about.
While it’s convenient to hide behind my work and dramas and busy schedules, tonight reminded me that I am most happy and most satisfied when I spend time with people, old or new. True, I am still cynic about a lot of things, but I’m at least hopeful with this one: 2014 will be a year of better conversations.
I’m excited to see wherever that declaration leads me.